July Newsletter 2013

Love and Fear

Michael Leunig wrote a beautiful poem that I received as a gift from my beloved grandmother years ago in his book “A Common Prayer”.  It begins:  “There are only two feelings. Love and Fear.” and ends “ two frameworks, two results, love and fear. Love and fear.” ( To see the entire poem go to http://www.leunig.com.au/index.php/prayers?showall=&start=1 )

Over the years I often say the first line to myself when I am faced with decisions and dilemmas and find the meditation useful.   Many times I have been reading some weighty tome or listening to some wise lecturer and again the theme of love versus fear has been discussed.  I have thought about it a lot and noticed how often even the most complex set of circumstances can often become clear when looked at through these two lenses.  I ask the questions - What is loving in this story?  What is fearful? So simple and so profound.

And at this time of my life it is as important as ever as I make choices about work directions, parenting and upcoming performances.  As Leunig suggests, although we may often associate the words love and fear with emotions, how these two states motivate us, inform our actions and get passed on as outcomes to others, mean that they are much more than just personal feelings.  They have power.

Rather than analysing this notion intellectually, although I think the idea does stand up to logic, I am also interested in how we can feel these forces at work in our day to day to life.  Becoming aware of their power and influence in our actions and decisions can be very useful.  Choosing the loving action can take some courage, but knowing the intention is good gives us hope that the outcome will be too!  But how can we tell if an action is  motivated by love or fear?  Try feeling your way.

Love feels like:

Reaching out.

Growing.

Standing up to be counted.

Being compassionate and open.

Embracing.

Fear feels like:

Retracting.

Shrinking.

Hiding our true values.

Being defensive and angry.

Rejecting.

Once we are aware of which of these forces is present in us at a given moment, we have more choice about what we will do next.  Awareness gives us information and time to make an assessment. But what can we do when we are full of fear?

Recently, during a sleepless night, rather than lie in bed, my head full of chattering anxiety, I got up and began by writing out my list of worries - so at least I had them on paper in front of me.  Then I searched the internet for ways to conquer my fear - I needed some quick fixes!  Much of what I found was familiar to me, but it’s amazing what we forget when we are feeling anxious.  One website was quite business like ( forbes.com ) and spoke of having no excuses, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, stepping out of our comfort zone and taking decisive action.  All good points, but pretty cliched and easier said than done.  

I was comforted by the fact that there was so much writing about this subject, I was reminded that fear is normal!   As Nelson Mandela said: “The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” - Long Walk to Freedom.  So what can we do instead of act out of our fear or explode with anxiety?  After my search and a bit of sitting up in the dark I came up with my own list of fear busters - to be worked on and added to at any time.

• BECOME AWARE.  First sit with the feeling and become aware of what it going on inside of you.  Is this fear taking hold?  Become aware of what you are afraid of.
• REMEMBER IT”S NORMAL.  Let the fear come and go - remember that being afraid is normal and happens to everyone - yes everyone!
• EXPRESS AND EXPLORE.  Find a way to express and explore your fears - drawing, writing, singing, moving - all these ways can help you to sit with your feeling and get more information about what’s really scaring you right now.
• SEE WHAT IS IMPORTANT.  Fear can be an indicator that something is important to you and that you care.  
• LOOK AT YOUR OPTIONS.  Become clear about what other choices you may have rather than defending or shrinking or acting out of your fear.  Perhaps you have a big challenge ahead of you and really want to do well - instead of being afraid, consider what can you DO to allay your fears.  Can you make preparations?
• FEEL YOUR WAY.  Look at your other choices, and feel the difference when you consider those that are actions motivated by love - the things that feel like growing, learning, standing up and embracing.
• DECIDE.  Decide to take actions that will support your challenge - gather resources, connect to other people, write a list of what you need to do in order to make the situation easier for yourself.  Deciding and committing to your decision feels much better than sitting in indecisive inaction.
• BE RESPONSIBLE.  Only you can do this.
• ACT.  This is the no excuses bit  - take action and watch your fears subside.  And the Nelson Mandela bit - everyone feels afraid, being brave means walking into the fear and choosing something different.
• BE UNCOMFORTABLE.  I love the sentence “Walking into the fear” - so I am using it again.  This bit may feel uncomfortable but if you check in with yourself it might also feel like growing.
• BE LIBERATED.  Lastly - it feels like being free!

There are a million different ways we can be prepared for difficult tasks but in the end we just have to step up and do what has to be done.  We all feel fear but we can become aware of its power and choose a different action - one that may be riskier but ultimately will be better.  An action that leans toward love and hope rather than asks us to hide our truth and shrink to fit a smaller version of ourselves.  

Love and Fear - I keep choosing love every day.

What does your fear busting list look like?

Kind regards, 

Fiona Claire.

www.fionaclaire.net

Work with me: Individual Counselling, Creativity and Therapeutic Singing and Songwriting Sessions by appointment. Email: fionaclaire@optusnet.com.au or call 0437 985 132

June Newsletter 2013 - Personal Mythology - Treasures and Burdens

June Newsletter 2013

personal mythology - treasures and burdens

I was indulging in one of my favourite treats, a cup of tea and the weekend paper.  In The Age’s Good Weekend on June 15, I came across an article called “Memory Games” by Claire Messud in which she talked about her memories of living for five years from the age of four in a big, old house in Sydney.  She described the house now as “ inevitably smaller....than in my memory” and said that it was “a crucial site in my personal mythology”.  The term personal mythology immediately resonated with me and stirred up my own memories and feelings associated with my time living in different houses as a child.  Messud’s article highlighted how strongly we can feel about our own stories and memories but also how this memory can grow more inaccurate with the years.  I am struck by how these stories inform our reactions, beliefs and behaviours and yet are ever changing and unstable.  Wikipedia says “Myth is a sacred narrative” and “grounded in the quintessential human ability to address the large questions of existence using symbolism, metaphor, and narrative.”  The Oxford Dictionary defines myth as: “a traditional story, especially one concerning the early history of a people or explaining a natural or social phenomenon, and typically involving supernatural beings or events.”  As we struggle to understand life, we make stories.

In her story Messud also lamented that as we get older we become aware of the “profound incommunicability of life’s experiences”. It was nice to be reminded that other’s also feel the chasm between what we express and what can be understood.  I believe that we all have a drive to be known, to be heard and to connect.  It is often stated as one of our strongest human needs.  For me, it manifested as a child in singing, everywhere, any time, to everyone.  As an artist, and we are all artists in some way, the drive never ends because communication is never complete, our work is only able to approximate what we wish to share.  One of the beautiful things about music, singing and songwriting is that they are art forms that can help us to communicate that which is beyond words.

In my songwriting classes I often speak about the sub-conscious soup we carry  in our minds, full of our stories and experiences, images, feelings and beliefs, stored away and fuelling our reactions and behaviours.  These individual mixtures and the symbols and ideas in our dreams are wonderful sources of creative work.  But sometimes these stories no longer serve us well and can begin to hold us back.  We may see ourselves or the world in ways that limit our ability to grow and adapt.  Recognising this is no easy task however because often we are emotionally attached to our personal mythologies and may even have built our lives around them.  Our stories can be rich in metaphor and drama and we can get so caught up in them that we mistake them for the truth.  Looking at them objectively can be painful. Taking a step back, telling our stories, analysing them, looking for evidence for their validity - these actions can help us to recognise when our stories are no longer useful and allow us to cherish them but also let them to change.  Michael White’s wonderful work on narrative therapy ( see his book Maps of Narrative Therapy, or see more at www.dulwichcentre.com.au/michael-white-archive) gives us great tools to unlock, explore and change our personal mythologies, enabling us to grow and forge positive paths.

As well as our personal mythologies, in this highly communicative age we must contend with the pressure of huge global narratives, coming to us continually via different levels of media.  In their article Mythic Perspectives for a World in Distress (published on www.innersource.net), Feinstein, Mortifee and Krippner state “Unless we can begin to discern what is life-affirming and what is life-denying in what the media feeds us, we are in danger of being psychically annihilated by one of our most auspicious tools.”  We need to search for what is meaningful for ourselves and strengthen our authentic values in order to avoid being overwhelmed by this continual bombardment.  

Once again creativity is an excellent way to become aware of our own stories and values, to change them if need be and to strengthen our authentic selves.  Eric Maisel’s inspiring works  ( The Van Gogh Blues , Mastering Creative Anxiety www.ericmaisel.com/books/) discuss the importance of making our own meaning as well as the courage required and the joy this journey can bring us.

In my work, exploring, harnessing, adapting and cherishing personal mythologies is an ongoing passion.  Ever curious about the human condition and our imaginations, I am honoured to guide clients through their own internal landscapes and excited when shadows are given light and values and ideas are unearthed.  For my own songwriting and story telling I go an adventures through the stories of my past, inevitably bringing them to the light of day and changing them in the process.  Our stories are never finished or static, but they are always interesting and worth sharing.

Below is a picture I took recently on a country drive.  Some scenery caught my attention and I headed off the main road to explore.  To me it's evocative of the search for home.

What stories are you making today?

Regards, 

Fiona Claire.

www.fionaclaire.net

Work with me: Individual Counselling, Creativity and Therapeutic Singing and Songwriting Sessions by appointment. Email: fionaclaire@optusnet.com.au or call 0437 985 132

Too many hats, create your own path  - my favourite cliches.

One day I realised I had grown up and it was time to start living the kind of life I had imagined I might when I was a kid.  It came as a shock, because until that moment, I thought that by simply doing the next thing, on the list I would be living the life I wanted.  Until the list ran out.  I hadn’t written anything past go to uni, get a job, get married, have kids......

It was a painful surprise to find that having fulfilled this list had not fulfilled me. 

The next shock was to find that I had forgotten what I else I had really wanted to do.

Or had I?  Turns out it was a convenient memory lapse because my younger self had had really high expectations!  Be truthful, open, brave! Be successful, famous and help others! Have a serious qualification but don’t forget your creative dreams!  Where was I going to start? Especially as I now had two other little souls looking up to me for guidance every moment of the day.

To cut a long story short the next few years looked like this:  Cook dinner, be anxious, wring hands, see a psychologist, cook dinner, be anxious, play with the kids, cook dinner, have an epiphany, cook dinner, begin lots of seemingly random tasks, pick up the kids, cook dinner, clean the toilet, ask everyone I know “Who am I?  What am I good at?”, be anxious....

You get the picture.

I started to really look at other people’s lives.  Who inspired me?  How were they living?  I was looking for a template to live by.  It was a good place to start and I tried quite a few templates on for size: Earth Mother, Psychology Student, Writer, Poet, Serious Musician, Piano Teacher, Funky Urban Mother, Singer, Clean Cut Counsellor.  But none of them were a perfect fit.  I was pretty confused because I always liked to do the right thing - what if I couldn’t find it? 

I so loved the things I had discovered. But I felt I needed to focus on one thing and become an expert in that.  It made sense because then I would be really good at one thing and I could just do that.  Life would be simple.

I also was worried because I found out I was a committing career faux pas - I was wearing Too Many Hats.  Apparently this could lead me to spreading myself too thin, not achieving real success and people judging me as not taking my work seriously.
Until I saw this: 

You know when you hear something and it just washes over you?  Perhaps you put it aside to figure out what it means later.  Then one day you actually hear it - the meaning  is  clear.  I suddenly understood what this little saying meant.

Create your own path.

Yes, it would be simpler to follow the same path that others have made.  Yet the people who seemed to really be living an interesting and fulfilling life got there in myriad different  ways.  They had made their own paths.  I knew then that my path was unique, it had not 
been walked before, and no one else could tell me what did or did not lie ahead.  I had to make it and I had to do it myself.

We are all making choices each day, no one moment is the same as another, and our choices make us active agents in creating our experiences.  Exploring and experiencing things for ourselves gives us more knowledge with which to make our choices - and more knowledge about our selves too.  Slowly we build the path as we go.
So I got down to it and explored, experienced and made my way through the forest of question and fears until I looked behind me and saw that I had indeed forged a path and could start to see a way to keep pushing ahead.

It turns out that my Too Many Hats have become One Big Sombrero!  My work may not look like the work of many other musicians or counsellors out there but all the facets of my experience and passion do fit together in a focussed whole.  A vision that harnesses music, storytelling and creativity for mental well being.  The people that I have shared this with in the varied work that I do have benefited from all my hats.  It is my hope to empower others to dig out the old hats they may have stored away in corners of themselves - perhaps out of embarrassment, shame or fear - dust them off, check them out and try them on.  They might not look too bad after all  - and they could help you to find your own path.

Happy Exploring, 

Regards, 

Fiona Claire.

www.fionaclaire.net

Work with me: Individual Counselling, Creativity and Therapeutic Singing Session by appointment.  Email: fionaclaire@optusnet.com.au or call 0437 985 132

UPCOMING EVENTS:
Songwriting Course, May 20 - June 24, Mondays 7:30 -9:30.
Jika Jika Community Centre Northcote. $120/ $120 Conc.