July Newsletter 2013
Love and Fear
Michael Leunig wrote a beautiful poem that I received as a gift from my beloved grandmother years ago in his book “A Common Prayer”. It begins: “There are only two feelings. Love and Fear.” and ends “ two frameworks, two results, love and fear. Love and fear.” ( To see the entire poem go to http://www.leunig.com.au/index.php/prayers?showall=&start=1 )
Over the years I often say the first line to myself when I am faced with decisions and dilemmas and find the meditation useful. Many times I have been reading some weighty tome or listening to some wise lecturer and again the theme of love versus fear has been discussed. I have thought about it a lot and noticed how often even the most complex set of circumstances can often become clear when looked at through these two lenses. I ask the questions - What is loving in this story? What is fearful? So simple and so profound.
And at this time of my life it is as important as ever as I make choices about work directions, parenting and upcoming performances. As Leunig suggests, although we may often associate the words love and fear with emotions, how these two states motivate us, inform our actions and get passed on as outcomes to others, mean that they are much more than just personal feelings. They have power.
Rather than analysing this notion intellectually, although I think the idea does stand up to logic, I am also interested in how we can feel these forces at work in our day to day to life. Becoming aware of their power and influence in our actions and decisions can be very useful. Choosing the loving action can take some courage, but knowing the intention is good gives us hope that the outcome will be too! But how can we tell if an action is motivated by love or fear? Try feeling your way.
Love feels like:
Reaching out.
Growing.
Standing up to be counted.
Being compassionate and open.
Embracing.
Fear feels like:
Retracting.
Shrinking.
Hiding our true values.
Being defensive and angry.
Rejecting.
Once we are aware of which of these forces is present in us at a given moment, we have more choice about what we will do next. Awareness gives us information and time to make an assessment. But what can we do when we are full of fear?
Recently, during a sleepless night, rather than lie in bed, my head full of chattering anxiety, I got up and began by writing out my list of worries - so at least I had them on paper in front of me. Then I searched the internet for ways to conquer my fear - I needed some quick fixes! Much of what I found was familiar to me, but it’s amazing what we forget when we are feeling anxious. One website was quite business like ( forbes.com ) and spoke of having no excuses, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, stepping out of our comfort zone and taking decisive action. All good points, but pretty cliched and easier said than done.
I was comforted by the fact that there was so much writing about this subject, I was reminded that fear is normal! As Nelson Mandela said: “The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” - Long Walk to Freedom. So what can we do instead of act out of our fear or explode with anxiety? After my search and a bit of sitting up in the dark I came up with my own list of fear busters - to be worked on and added to at any time.
- BECOME AWARE. First sit with the feeling and become aware of what it going on inside of you. Is this fear taking hold? Become aware of what you are afraid of.
- REMEMBER IT”S NORMAL. Let the fear come and go - remember that being afraid is normal and happens to everyone - yes everyone!
- EXPRESS AND EXPLORE. Find a way to express and explore your fears - drawing, writing, singing, moving - all these ways can help you to sit with your feeling and get more information about what’s really scaring you right now.
- SEE WHAT IS IMPORTANT. Fear can be an indicator that something is important to you and that you care.
- LOOK AT YOUR OPTIONS. Become clear about what other choices you may have rather than defending or shrinking or acting out of your fear. Perhaps you have a big challenge ahead of you and really want to do well - instead of being afraid, consider what can you DO to allay your fears. Can you make preparations?
- FEEL YOUR WAY. Look at your other choices, and feel the difference when you consider those that are actions motivated by love - the things that feel like growing, learning, standing up and embracing.
- DECIDE. Decide to take actions that will support your challenge - gather resources, connect to other people, write a list of what you need to do in order to make the situation easier for yourself. Deciding and committing to your decision feels much better than sitting in indecisive inaction.
- BE RESPONSIBLE. Only you can do this.
- ACT. This is the no excuses bit - take action and watch your fears subside. And the Nelson Mandela bit - everyone feels afraid, being brave means walking into the fear and choosing something different.
- BE UNCOMFORTABLE. I love the sentence “Walking into the fear” - so I am using it again. This bit may feel uncomfortable but if you check in with yourself it might also feel like growing.
- BE LIBERATED. Lastly - it feels like being free!
There are a million different ways we can be prepared for difficult tasks but in the end we just have to step up and do what has to be done. We all feel fear but we can become aware of its power and choose a different action - one that may be riskier but ultimately will be better. An action that leans toward love and hope rather than asks us to hide our truth and shrink to fit a smaller version of ourselves.
Love and Fear - I keep choosing love every day.
What does your fear busting list look like?
Kind regards,
Fiona Claire.
Work with me: Individual Counselling, Creativity and Therapeutic Singing and Songwriting Sessions by appointment. Email: fionaclaire@optusnet.com.au or call 0437 985 132
