May Newsletter 2013
Self-esteem vs Self-acceptance and the lie of inner cleansing
I was in my late teens when I happened across my auntie’s health kick book, from memory it was called “Inner Cleansing”. It was seductive. The illustrated female nude on the front demurely looked away, her skin smooth and blemish free. A conscientious child with a romantic soul, I was aware from a young age of a yearning for peaceful perfection. I was plagued by the idea that my spots and bumps were due to faults of my own making. Now I was excited, at last being clean and pure all the way through could be a possibility - I just had to follow the rules set out in this book. Easy.
But it wasn’t easy to stick to the rules, the message was overwhelming, and the attack of toxins never ending. When I did manage to eat the prescribed way, I quickly fell off the wagon and felt I never achieved the state of being completely cleansed. I was a failure. I lived with this failing and hobbled on to adulthood, mostly successfully distracting myself from dwelling upon the impurities within me.
Still, the promise of cleansing and purity was alluring. I wanted to make the right choices and achieve certainty so I could be safe in the knowledge that I’d made it. Perfection promises that there will be no more troubles or mess ahead- but this is a lie.
The idea of inner cleansing, fasting, pursuing the health ideal of a fit and lean physique or achieving the fresh uncluttered palate of a tv commercial home - all these outwardly appealing endeavours have an underlying message - that in our current form we are not good enough and we need to change in order to be considered worthy. To see ourselves as competent and high enough in the pecking order of life, is the basis of self-esteem. But is self-esteem alone a worthwhile goal? Any grade we make often seems to be earned from a comparison of winners and losers.
When Melbourne’s Myer store began offering botox injections at their city beauty counter the publicist went on the radio saying it was a great way for women to enhance their self-esteem. Really? This is what has become of a term once used as a measure of psychological health. Self-esteem can now be bought in a syringe, but it’s effects won’t last!
Our A-type high achieving obsessed culture and the commodification of everything has focussed in on our most personal domain - our bodies. And here is where the most cash can be made because this is the one place we can never escape or pretend we don’t belong to - our own bodies - the emblem of our worth.
The pursuit of a healthy self-esteem relies heavily on outside achievements. High academic marks, prizes, standing out above the crowd, having noticeable traits of success such as the right body or the right house. But we are surrounded by examples of those who have failed - and often they are held up to ridicule. So there is the ever-present danger of not being able to maintain the high standards.
It turns out that self-acceptance is the anti-dote, because when we accept ourselves right now, as we really are, we can stop the constant pursuit of outside ideals as a way to bolster ourselves - because we know that we really are ok. We take back the power we gave away when we looked to these outside scales as a measure of ourselves.
But it’s easier said than done. I struggled with the notion that I had to love myself unconditionally. Was this another pure ideal that I was supposed to achieve? I was embarrassed and confused when the words kept popping in to my mind - How can I truly accept myself when so much about me is wrong?
I took up the sensible challenge to accept myself as I was. It was not a straight forward journey and was often painful, embarrassing, and uncomfortable when I forced myself so sit with things not being perfect. I took risks because I knew that hacking my way forward, however difficult, could be no worse than the exhausting chase of a better facade coupled with the inner cave of boredom and fear.
A veneer of self-esteem can often lead to the idea that “I will relax, be happy, be at peace, as long as I maintain my high standards” or, even worse, “I will delay these rewards until I reach the ideal weight, job ( insert your ideal here )”. The irony is that self-acceptance blossoms when we allow ourselves to do the things we love.
These are my tips for self acceptance:
- Forget Perfection!! The fact that there is no such thing as perfect can never be shouted out loud enough as far as I am concerned! Aiming for perfection will always lead to disappointment.
- Accept that crap is everywhere - in our bodies, our hearts, our minds and our world. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
- Have a laugh about the mess! Laughing is good for you.
- Appreciate both the positive and negative parts of yourself - they are both important and contribute to your unique insights.
- Set goals that really are achievable. Some goals can foster unhappiness, so reassess your goals if this is happening to you. Some tweaking can make them more achievable.
- Express yourself - it aids self knowledge and self awareness which are vital in order to develop compassion and respect for yourself. Express your true emotions in a safe place and connect to your real values.
- Surround yourself with people who believe in you.
- Find your inner-conviction and truth - you have an inner voice that needs to be heard and has wisdom to share.
- Take risks! Even when you are following your dreams you will not get the results you expect, but you will learn something and you may have fun anyway!
- Take action! Messy emotions like fear, shame and guilt keep us stuck and procrastinating - action can shift these blocks.
- Explore! New things nourish you and inform you about what you do and don’t like.
- Create! You knew I was going to say that didn’t you?
- Creativity is how our heart can communicate with us - a path to self knowledge and healing.
- Design your own nourishing self-help environment, become aware of what makes you feel good and enables you to grow. Don’t just take other people’s self-help ideas on board.
- Offer yourself compassion.
- Accept that you’ll never be pure - but you can be happy!
- Write a song about it and sing it to yourself - you knew I was going to say that too didn’t you?
And there you have it. The path to self-acceptance may not be smooth but it can be very interesting.
I have given up my hopes for inner cleansing - and I have never felt more healthy!
Wishing you lots of mess and laughs,
Regards,
Fiona Claire
Work with me: Individual Counselling, Creativity and Therapeutic Singing and Songwriting Sessions by appointment. Email: fionaclaire@optusnet.com.au or
call 0437 985 132
